Self Destruction

I can't breathe and I feel like drowning. It's like I want to cry. Failed tasks this morning, past frustrations, regrets, self-pity, self-humiliation, repressed anger and a lot more a person can handle. Usually, I do nothing about it. All I do is sleep believing that when I wake up, everything will turn out fine again. No, it doesn't though. Yes, some are gone when I wake up but it will eventually creep up to me when I least expect  it. Things get far more worse than I imagine. Like what and where I am at now. I make things complicated, that's one. I blame myself too much, another thing.

I hear voices in my sleep, when I wake up, when I'm not talking, when I am just still. I don't like it, it feels weird.

I am so conscious about myself and I am also desperate to do something about it. I am on a diet now. I feel good when I eat but I feel better when I don't. I tend to eat a lot when I feel down and that's bad. I do feel down a lot of times, more often than I should and should have. I don't like it. At all.

I feel strange about people. I always feel that they don't like me for whatever goddamit reason. I have classmates in high school that said that they don't like me just because they don't like me. I know because one of them said one of my classmate and that classmate told me before the school year ended. That's not all, they're all also involved on the fake social network account that one of my classmates did to make fun of me. I found out because that same classmate told me and showed it to me too. That's the real thing about why I tend to just cower when I'm with other people. It's dumbass I know but I don't know how to deal with it. I told my mom about it just quite a while and I don't know what she thinks about it. Maybe she didn't said a thing because she thinks that it's just plain dumb. For a psychologist, she's sterling.

My self-harm isn't working now. I first tried it when I entered college. Nobody knew. I also took pills and anything I could pop in with water. My favorite ones are the pain killers. They're supposed to kill pain, do they not? I can take ten in a gulp. I haven't poisoned myself yet, thank goodness, since then. I want to keep it confidential. I want to keep it to myself. I want to deal with my own demons myself. Nobody cares, so I don't want to care that someone might care. I'm acting dumber than I am and that's bad.

I don't want to be dumb anymore. I'm stopping now.

On the verge of nervous breakdown

Or maybe I'm exaggerating, but some may get the point. Apparently, after meeting with my HS registrar, I still need to go back to my college school to get a transcript request, the last thing on the back of my "last things to do." I have no choice you know. Why is it that every time I am to do something wonderful about my life there is just that something that would interfere? Why is it? Then again, it is just me that is to blame. I'm no the goody-goody daughter or person you know. I am just starting to learn. I've never been good at maneuvering my early life. I messed up big time. I should have been more responsible before. I have to admit though that there are certain things I've done that I am thankful for that I've done. There are also those mistakes that I did really learned something from.

Then maybe, it's not just regretting. I know that there are still things that I can do. Far more better than what I've done before. Right now, what I need to do is slowly search cure for the wrongs I have done before. I don't know if I'll be able to get through this but doing something is far more rewarding than being eaten up by regrets inside slowly. I was dying and still dying.

Cats, Mornings, Occasional Rains, and Mornings again

I've been trying to walk like a cat for these past few weeks. Being conscious about being double weighted is harder than I think. As I grow more conscious about being double weighted, the more my movement is slowing down. Not good at all for a cat is never slow.

Got a so-called "job" for this particular Saturday. I was at the registration table for my mother's training event. I was also in-charge of picking up the food. Tiring, for we had to prepare very early and the event was wrapped up at almost 6pm. And I hate how I'm kind of starting to hate mornings.

Sunday was as exhausting like the past few ones. Sundays are the only remote thing I do that includes socializing with people, the very reason I always look forward for it. And as usual I fucked up again. Not good at all. The days are often graced with heavy rains during afternoons, specifically during 5pm on-wards.

The Monday sickness spell was dominating my whole entire being for the rest of the day. From the usual blab with the parents on the breakfast table up to being rain soaked when I got home. Accomplished something though, got the list of required papers for my enrollment on a foreign language class.

Have done the Tuesday laundry. The sun was forgiving that all of the clothes I've washed are now wearable. Morning was kind of quiet for the folks at home are all occupied with something. I wish it's always like this. Got my clearance but not without my mother making a scene at the office. The staff are idiots that's why I don't feel embarrassed with what my mother had made out of it. I'm cool with that and I got my clearance. It didn't ended as what I think it would, I didn't get enrolled, because I still need a certified true copy of my college grades from the registrar. No, not good. At all. But, my high school transcript will do. Another proof that I'm still in luck. Loving the portrait of myself, I haven't have a decent ID picture in years. Goodness, I look human this time. Got rain soaked again but this time including my shoes. Its flooding everywhere.

Mother has a very subtle way on saying to me about how I am "an inch towards being useless" in waking me up in the mornings, like this morning for instance. I am about to go get my transcript of records and she is about to go to an interview and we have to get prepared early. I'm still tired and getting up is the least thing I want to do.

Da is getting on to my nerves also. Goodness, every little detail shall be processed in his capable brain. As if that he is that very good detail-minded. Ugh, clashed with him about my statement with a suffix "What's the problem about it"? He went berserk. I don't want to continue my trend of thought about it for I may not be entirely pleased. I have work to do and my sister and I have an interview at 7pm later. I should be prepping up myself now.

Take me to the firing squad

Every word I say is just bullshit. I don't think I can do any more better. Just like what my mother did say, it's like I'm always looking for confrontation. Am I? Or is it just because it's all family I tend to forget all my manners and everything. Uh, it is not manners but, ugh, I can't find the word. It's like asking someone in the household who moved the table and blah blah blah. And the point is, for example, what if I found out who moved the table for example? It was moved already. Then maybe I can blame my OC-ness. Is that it? I walked out of the dinner table for a moment just because I don't want to fire an argument. I was like "Duh, you (the parentals) do the very same thing, too. You know".

What a night.

Stalker Potential

Yeah. Spending an absurdly immense amount of time in Facebook and typed several name codes to find that certain person. I just want to assure myself, you know. Things to be assured, nah. I think I'm overreacting. No biggie about it. Just a phase.

Might be Hannah

My mind was a ramshackle last night. I would've dragged myself to the slaughter. Apparently, dear mother wasn't in a good mood that afternoon and was busy throwing unnecessary words to me, I would've called those words knives but I wouldn't have the nerve to.

Un-speaking up when required to has its benefits and it's own consequences too. Like what happened last night before dinner. I refused to answer to my sister when she called out on me because 1. I'm kind of pissed with her and 2. My mind is wandering off to constructed imaginary conversations and those conversations aren't going well. I might have the ability to go ra-ra and say something unimaginable to her. So I zipped my mouth tight. That scheme didn't last long because right just after dinner it happened again. Help me.

Went to sleep early and woke up early to relay today. I'm calmer now, trust me.

Worry me

And I'll be able to do anything and I won't notice. Not a good thing though. Drives me insane all the time. Took a quick shower to lessen the pressure after I voluntarily collected the laundry and did the dishes without a sound. Tried to chant for as long as I could but was interrupted by my sister about someone looking for my father. Got sore about it but managed to have brushed it off, easily. That's how worried I was. Still worried, but my consistent typing disrupts it so. I even tried to imagine how much more I'm so worried because it took me good thirty minutes doing this paragraph. I would've made a pot of tea but I'm so damn worried. Ugh.

Oh So Charlie

As the song goes:
You're a good man, Charlie Brown. You're the kind of reminder we need. You have humility, nobility and a sense of honor that is very rare indeed.


And then:
You're a good man, Charlie Brown. You're a prince and a prince could be king. With a heart such as yours you could open any door. You could go out and do anything. You could be king Charlie Brown. You could be king.

But then Charlie Brown would say:
Everybody says to me (You're a good man, Charlie Brown)
Every voice in harmony (You're a good man, Charlie Brown)
Never liked me, anyway (You're a good man, Charlie Brown)


Trying not to rock the boat, not to make a scene
A good man? Yes. But I confess I don't know what they mean.


I wanna rise like I should and do everything right
But I lie awake at night (Never sleep)
With questions in my ear (loud and deep)
I want to join the dance (Take the leap)
But the answer isn't clear than I hear (Charlie Brown, Charlie Brown)


And then, there are those things Charlie Brown has that I would like to have too:
All I need is one more try. Gotta get that kite to fly.
And I'm not that kind of guy who gives up easily.

Charlie Brown says "Good Grief" all the time and I know exactly what he means. If there would be a female Charlie Brown I would probably count.

8, 9, 10, 11 , and 12

8
Uh-huh. Slowly but surely. Me and my pretty sister is having a one-helluva-blast with the B&G Division. I know it. It's been a while since the last time I had anything to do about engaging with people. Nah, people are people. They will always be. Got soaked and went home rain drenched but we had a laugh nonetheless, and peanuts. Yup we bought peanuts under the footbridge on the way home but the raining caused the delay of the eating part.

9, 10
Delay, delay, delays. And not much of a day. Were very tired from the activity yesterday but had a nice meal through the day. Me and my sister is on a "Thurs day" budget planning session. Sunny with a chance of rain. The power supply went before Tuesday came, thank goodness.

Confessed a dark and aged secret to my Mum. I knew she'd understand. That's why they're mothers, it's they're nature. I'm starting to open up little by little now. I'm starting to feel better, and get better.

11
Parents, religion and dinners. Dinner sucked. Why is it that every time I try to speak up anything inside my head it goes unfinished and therefore unheard? That's unfair at all. Yeah, I won't win in any conversation with my Mum.

12
Well, the day hasn't ended yet. I'm afraid that things might get ugly on the days to come. I'm praying not. I will not mess up this time.

Just Great

Had a dose of my favorite things this morning: good breakfast, cool sounds, my favorite flick and a good company. This day's just midway great and I don't find anything that could deviate the train of events.

Wow! Great, just great.

There is help

I wish Trevor Project existed during my high-school days. Yes, suicide is definitely NOT the answer. Many share that belief,  the very reason many of us are still here.

Bullying takes a step forward, with the internet reach on a snap everything now is possible for everyone. Bullying does not exist in the cafeteria or the playgrounds anymore it's everywhere, and it doesn't end when the bell rings again it's 24/7.

And like an hourglass as bullying grows on number, people tragically shrinks on number. I suck on math, but I know what's going on.

It is heartbreaking to see younger people being tormented by the same group of people. I think that everyone in some way had a fair share of bullying and being stepped on the toes during our lowest point. The world does not need any more hurt and pain, we have a fair share everyday.

I don't know what to say anymore. I had enough of all those things.

Lead me to the Slaughter...or to the ER

Last night was amazing. Everything was amazing except for me. I was like that big goo walking around, it's disgusting. I'm having a bad tummy and I was like acting like duh, I was so upset that all I want to do when I got home was to sleep asap.

I feel bad about people around thinking that I am not happy about what's going on. Someone really take me to the slaughter house. I feel crappy and I feel shit.

Everyone is smiling. Everyone is so nice. I'm not used to that kind of air. I suck I know, but I can't help it and I don't blame myself either. I'm tired of the blame game, it's time to let go all of it. The process is very difficult but the temporary pain is worth the relief, the happiness. I'm buying it. I may take the whole year but I don't care at all on how long it may be. I will be happy finally. I will find true happiness. I can do it.

Drawing Into Smokes

Yes, I give in. I really can't draw. So my van Gogh ambitions just went down the drain, gone with the wind and as in au revior. I call it sadness, I call it acceptance. Just made up my mind that I'm not for the fine arts, I call it mourning. That's it, I really can't draw. There are other things the world can offer but maybe not the art of drawing, painting or illustrating, sketching, etc., etc. Tsk, tsk. I call it melancholy.

A Repeat Performance

Of my outfit that is. So's my sister.

The usual Sunday except that we got to practice on a theater now, will be waiting a couple of Sundays more before the kids will get to perform it at last.

Had an anxiety attack last night. Haven't have that in a year now. My esteem is skyrocketing but this time, downwards. I don't know what happened, it just did. I wonder what would Charlie Brown do, I wish I could have the same outlook in life like him. Esteem issues always get me and I hate everything about it.  I wish I could stop worrying, it doesn't do any good. I expect to stop worrying. I would stop worrying.

Then I could challenge myself to.